真的好累～～～
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
So often I will think back my childhood memories (those that I can recall)... Really very happy...
Had a complete family, go out with relatives very often, very frequent, thought that I really had a nice family, nice relatives...
Years passed... Now, at the age of 24+, looking at the situation now and comparing to what it used to be.. Its really...
Looking at my broken family now, looking at the relatives I have... I feel... those kind of life is really way way over... far far away...
Now I had no contact with the relatives from my father's side... With one of the aunt saying things to my dad like 'very easy, after divorce u take the son, leave the daughter to the mother', 'boys are better' and more which i really cannot recall now.
One of the uncles from mum's side, is so afraid of us snatching that flat from him and his wife, and end up things turned ugly during grandma's wake and we are not in contact with him or his wife anymore.
Now staying at another uncle's house, when a few years back, heard him saying to his friends that we 3 staying in his house, makes him not being able to rent out the flat and earn some money. Although its really true, but it still hurts. Making me live through these years feeling bad, but with no ability to get my own flat. Why is it so difficult? Now its even worse that i seriously think its time to moe. Really have to move. But where? How? I dunno.. Mum wants to buy a flat with me, I think she expects nobody will want to marry me :X Anyway it seemed to be I cannot have my own decision too. The dream to have a nice, beautiful, cosy house with my husband is ... ... ... -_- No hope... Thats every girl's wish i believe. To be able to have my own house, to plan what furnitures, where to place every piece of furniture, colour of the walls etc... is really nice and fun! But.. they seemed so so so far away too...
Another uncle... Had worked for him for 3 years, and why do I feel that the 3 years is living hell? Its all my fault as well. After poly, work part time in DBS, quit my job and decided to take a break before searching for jobs. And he asked if I could work for him, due to low manpower (or rather no manpower). Didn't want to at all, but mum is nagging and nagging and he kept calling me to ask hows my decision and I agreed to it. First few months of course it started alright. After that, I feel the efforts I have put in for the company is never appreciated at all.
I was close to one colleague and they start to panic and suspect I revealed confidential matters to her. Going to lunch or going to the toilet together doesn't mean I have to tell her on all these. To the extend that my mum even come and scold me saying i revealed confidential quotations, pricings or what so ever to her. They want me to stay away from every colleagues, BEST is to be a loner... They din say out directly of coz, but indirectly it is the case. OMG. I tendered. That is after 1 year working there. They talked to me, asking me to stay on and so on, which i dun wish to elaborate further. I stayed on... For the next 2 years is even worse...
After office hours, I have to answer their call. why ah? I still dunno.. If I din pick up their call, they will get angry (???) Company dun pay my hp bills. And its really after office hours...
And they told ppl, they 看我可怜 and offered me a job there (???) I was totally shocked... I was dumbfounded... Since when it is like that??? That 3 years, made me feel that I've become mentally unsound. They claimed to offer me that job because of my broken family (???) , its not that Im handicapped? Best part is that, they told a stranger - someone not even close to me. What will they tell relatives or friends then? I do not wish, dun dare to think about it actually. It gives me nightmares...
Not forgetting the OTs until after midnight (I'm not being paid OT by the way)...
And 2nd Feb 2007, when the crazy J*p*nese started his craziness about sueing here and there.... MORE OTs... more stress... And of coz a lot more things happened... and also they always think that I had nothing to do in the office... Then I started to always cry out of a sudden at work... and I really thought i need to be counselled... Everything that happens is really craziness... madness.... Finally in Feb 2008, I made up my decision to really leave that place for good..Of coz thats not the end, some misunderstandings, unhappiness happened again... The only thing that keeps me going that time is my Taiwan trip and leaving that place.... I felt so relieved when its the last day of work.
Life is really not easy at all... Just 24+ years in my life, I already felt tired... no courage to mov on anymore. Since the age of 10, I've being thinking of suicide every now and then. Thats the longest procrastination in my life 了吧. When I thought that finally i am an adult, hoping life will get better but look at me now.... my whole life is in a mess.. a terrible mess...
