Sad & depressed
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I dunno why today I feel so emotional.. Sad, depressed, angry or all sorts of emotions overcome me.... :(Cried very hard when i went to bath just now. its the only place in the house where i have my own privacy, but just that I cannot scream out loud. My whole life seemed to have appear in front of me, since i was a kid, to primary sch, sec sch, poly days, till now. Everything made their way to my mind... feel that i dunno who to turn to, i just wanna talk to my blog. something (the only thing) i found comfort in. sometimes the comments left by friends in facebook, touches me. The ones who left comments to console me are normally those whom I am not very close to, except darling & MM. I feel touched (just like when Berlinda ask if i am ok) The thought of them caring for u more than ur own friends/loved ones, that kind of feeling is very special.
Last friday, on msn, auntie talked to me. She said mummy knows that I wanted to commit suicide. Once I heard this, i feel pain in the heart (dunno for myself or for mummy). I cried once again at my work desk, when talking to her. She said that uncle scolded her for giving me stess and so on, and i thought of the times whereby i am rude to her. I really feel so sorry. If there is this one day whereby I really made up my mind to go, I really want to give her a big hug and say thank you and sorry for all the troubles caused to her in these useless 24+ yrs. I am not able to give her a good life, at this age she still has to go out and work, I know it is really hard for her. When she grumbled about how tired and how she wants to quit her job, i feel helpless. I dunno what to say to her, i kept quiet. :(
Uncle just given her a call, and he has not found a job yet. (jobless for more than half a yr), mummy starts to talk about house again.
Now I understand why people are willing to do anything for money, this world forced them to.
Just now, during dinner with bb, suddenly we mentioned about her grandpa (whom passed away in Jan 09), he almost cried but I dunno why I dun feel sorry for him. I just feel that when grandpa is still alive, he did not cherish him enough (or maybe bb will blame me for it, coz he din go to the hospital to visit him coz he said he wanted to specnd more time with me, although i told him its ok).
I then thought of my grandma (mummy's mum - who brought me up - Im her eldest grand daughter), I thought of the loved ones who are still alive but I din cherish. :( I remembered when I looked into her coffin, promising her I will take care of mummy and brother - but what happened now? Did I really take care of them? Did i?
When I was in Primary 4, my grandfather (dad's father) passed away, I looked up into the sky asking "why din you bring me along?", until now im still asking the same question.
ok, enough said. Im crying while typing. And I am real tired. My eyes are tired. I told myself I must wake up early tml to catch the thief in the office!
Jennifer's BRAND NEW copy of Simply Her went missing too! I must catch that person and beat him/her up to end up like Mr Bump! HMPH!
GOOD NIGHT! (hope I can get to sleep after all these crying)
Last friday, on msn, auntie talked to me. She said mummy knows that I wanted to commit suicide. Once I heard this, i feel pain in the heart (dunno for myself or for mummy). I cried once again at my work desk, when talking to her. She said that uncle scolded her for giving me stess and so on, and i thought of the times whereby i am rude to her. I really feel so sorry. If there is this one day whereby I really made up my mind to go, I really want to give her a big hug and say thank you and sorry for all the troubles caused to her in these useless 24+ yrs. I am not able to give her a good life, at this age she still has to go out and work, I know it is really hard for her. When she grumbled about how tired and how she wants to quit her job, i feel helpless. I dunno what to say to her, i kept quiet. :(
Uncle just given her a call, and he has not found a job yet. (jobless for more than half a yr), mummy starts to talk about house again.
Now I understand why people are willing to do anything for money, this world forced them to.
Just now, during dinner with bb, suddenly we mentioned about her grandpa (whom passed away in Jan 09), he almost cried but I dunno why I dun feel sorry for him. I just feel that when grandpa is still alive, he did not cherish him enough (or maybe bb will blame me for it, coz he din go to the hospital to visit him coz he said he wanted to specnd more time with me, although i told him its ok).
I then thought of my grandma (mummy's mum - who brought me up - Im her eldest grand daughter), I thought of the loved ones who are still alive but I din cherish. :( I remembered when I looked into her coffin, promising her I will take care of mummy and brother - but what happened now? Did I really take care of them? Did i?
When I was in Primary 4, my grandfather (dad's father) passed away, I looked up into the sky asking "why din you bring me along?", until now im still asking the same question.
ok, enough said. Im crying while typing. And I am real tired. My eyes are tired. I told myself I must wake up early tml to catch the thief in the office!
Jennifer's BRAND NEW copy of Simply Her went missing too! I must catch that person and beat him/her up to end up like Mr Bump! HMPH!
GOOD NIGHT! (hope I can get to sleep after all these crying)
